Intro to Deconstruction

I was raised in a church that treated men and women equally, in terms of ministry. Both were called and qualified to lead, teach, and pastor churches. I was also raised in the American southeast, a conservative political environment. For many years, I held those two things together and they were compatible. In my early twenties, I had the misfortune to become part of a conservative evangelical Baptist community that conflated many things with holiness that ought never to be combined.

I my youth, I was told that my heart and calling for ministry were good, right, and God-honoring. In my early twenties, that was all thrown into question by virtue of my gender alone. It took over ten years, but slowly I learned that there would never be anything that I could say or do to convince the men in power that I, too, could have a call from God to ministry. There was nothing that I could say or do to make me good enough to teach, preach, and lead. I would never be a good fit.

“Deconstruction” and “Exvangelical” are buzzwords, but I use them because I want people who identify with those movements or communities to feel welcome here. I deeply empathize with those who have been harmed, abused, or otherwise outcast by the church because it happened to me. While I retain a robust faith, I completely understand why someone wouldn’t. I believe that it is only by the grace of God, through the foundation laid early in my life and my stubborn personality that has allowed me to keep my faith intact.

Let’s get something out of the way real quick: Christianity is a movement meant for all people and nations. Thus, it fundamentally CANNOT align itself with a specific nation or, much less, political party. White Christian Nationalism takes the Lord’s name in vain as much as Progressive Universalism masking as Christianity.

I abhor polarizing extremes and the power-mongers of misinformation who manipulate otherwise decent people into subscribing to them.

All that to say, if you’ve been harmed by or had questions about conservative evangelical theology, you’re on the right track. Faith must be lived, not swallowed whole from the hands of someone more powerful than you. I’d like to address some of the problems that I identified in my deconstruction of that system. Further, I’d like to give you some insight into whence those problems arise and how we can keep our faith intact as we leave systems of abuse.

First, conservative evangelical theology is exclusionary. There are those who are “in” and those who are “out” and it is almost entirely based on your behavior and lifestyle, not your beliefs, theology, or participation in community. This is rooted in a theory of the atonement. Theories of the Atonement are varying schools of thought on what exactly Jesus was doing on the cross. Unless you’ve done a deep dive into theology, you’re probably thinking, “What a stupid question?!” and I hear you. I promise it is relevant and I will show you how, posthaste.

Conservative evangelicals broadly subscribe to a Penal Substitutionary Theory of the Atonement, which I will attempt to describe in very basic terms. If you’re familiar with this theology and feel like nit-picking or criticizing my explanation here, don’t. I’m not talking to you and if you want to have an intellectual conversation we can get together later - don’t distract everyone else.

Penal Substitutionary Atonement, like all major theories, has some things right. The idea goes that Jesus is the substitute for humanity on the cross. By virtue of the sin inherent to our nature, humanity experiences and deserves death. Jesus, however, was sinless and, therefore, did not deserve death. So, when he dies, he takes our place so that we can, in a way, take his place as sons and daughters of God. So far, so good. But it gets wonky for me when God’s wrath gets involved. Not because I don’t think God is angry and heartbroken over sin- I think he is- but because teachers of this theory have a tendency to over-emphasize how irrevocably ruined humanity is to the detriment of the idea that God loved us enough to save us. They repeat, over and over again, your personal failings and shortcomings, but rarely remind you that God loves you in spite of them. Shortly, this theory results in a negative anthropology (or misanthropy, the hatred of humanity) and goes hand in hand with an interpretation of total depravity that teaches those indwelt by the Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead that they cannot trust themselves. They teach us that, even after we come to know Jesus, we are so busted up that we will never be able to trust our gut. They don’t even want us to try. The Bible calls this the quenching of the Spirit and it is also classed as the only unforgiveable sin.

Second, because conservative evangelicals subscribe to such a harsh interpretation of the Atonement (usually to the negligence of all other theories that also have some good things to say) that they quench the Spirit within them, they also fearfully try to live “right”. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to live rightly and please God - this is the Christian life. But they do it out of fear, not faith, and without the aid of the Holy Spirit. So, they create prescriptive lifestyles and systems of behavior for their congregations. You must look this way, have this kind of job, have this many kids, read this translation of the Bible, etc. etc. or you’re not a Christian. At best, you’re on the edge of the community and your faith is constantly questioned because you have questions and don’t fit the mold. At worst, you’re a heretic - a word I hear far too often from the mouths of those teaching this theology.

Third, fear and control. I hinted at this above, but this theology really all plays out in fear and control. They’re afraid of God, and not in a good way, so they try to control the narrative (and even him) so that they can be certain that they will be saved. Both certainty and salvation are pretty important in conservative evangelical circles, again, to the negligence of all else in the Christian life, such as caring for the poor and marginalized and producing the fruit of the Spirit. Following the communal guidelines for belief and behavior become indicators of the Spirit at work in you, rather than the actual indicators of the Spirit at work in you which are explicitly stated in the Word of God that conservative evangelicals claim to hold in the highest regard.

I wish I had more space to go into all of this in great detail, but these are, I think, the broad issues at play. Whenever you operate with a staunchly negative view of humans out of fear and a desire to control, you’ll harm people. It is inevitable. So, if you were ever part of a conservative evangelical movement or church and felt harmed, I’m so sorry and you’re not making it all up. Just because there were some good things in the community and even in their theology does not mean that they did not wound you.

But now, how do we hold onto our faith? Because I believe that even if people have used it as a bludgeon and taken the Lord’s name in vain, hope in Jesus is our only hope.

For me, the answer has been unravelling a lot of the lies I was told in conservative evangelical environments. It has been asking questions and looking for answers, spending time in prayer, and listening to voices that aren’t explicitly conservative. I’ve even listened to voices that I don’t really agree with, but their perspective has been valuable to show me that there are many ways to be faithful to Jesus. And, spoiler, there’s precious little that we can be absolutely certain about - grace abounds.

The answer has also been recapturing the Love of God and wonder of living in his world. Gratitude for the things he’s given me and the way he loves me has covered over a multitude of sins.

Finally, it’s been putting my money where my mouth is and praying for my abusers, even if all I can muster is, “Father forgive them, they know not what they do”. Because they don’t. I’m convinced that those who abused me, as hard as it is to stomach, actually thought they were helping. They actually believe that their theology is good, true, and beautiful. Their desire and intentions are good, even if they lack the humility to see how harmful their actions are. That last part is willful and the most damaging, but again, they don’t know what they’re doing. And, frankly, most of the time, neither do I.

This is the way out my friends: compassion, empathy, and forgiveness. This does not mean that you don’t hold harmful practices and cultures accountable or that you don’t talk about it. It just means that you leave justice and vengeance up to God, for he is a far better arbiter than you or me.